Conflict resolution, in five steps

Resolving a conflict doesn’t mean someone wins. It means you both understand what happened, and you both know what happens next. The same five steps work with a coworker, a partner or a roommate. Here they are on one disagreement: your partner made weekend plans with their friends without asking you.

1. Cool down first

   If either of you is heated, take a break, and say when you’ll come back to it.

   TryI’m too annoyed to talk about this well right now. Can we pick it up after dinner?

   What one study found

   In two lab studies of couples’ conflict, breaks, both ones the researchers imposed and longer ones partners chose for themselves, reduced aggression between partners.

   McCurry, A. G., May, R. C., & Donaldson, D. I. (2024). Both partners’ negative emotion drives aggression during couples’ conflict. Communications Psychology, 2, 73.

   Cool down, then talk ›

2. Listen until they feel heard

   Before your side, say back what you heard, and ask if you got it right.

   TrySo you thought I’d be up for it, and it feels like I never want to see your friends. Is that right?

   Active listening, with examples ›

3. Say what happened, and what you need

   Talk about what happened, not what kind of person they are, and how it landed for you.

   TryWhen the plans got made before we talked, I felt left out of it. I’d like us to decide our weekends together.

   I statements, with examples ›

4. Make it you two against the problem

   Look for what you both want, and a way that gets you both some of it, without giving up what you need.

   TryWe both want time with your friends and some time to rest. What if we do brunch Saturday and keep Sunday free?

   What one study found

   A meta-analysis of negotiation studies found that people who cared about both sides’ outcomes argued less, problem-solved more and reached better joint agreements, as long as they also held firm on what they needed.

   De Dreu, C. K. W., Weingart, L. R., & Kwon, S. (2000). Influence of social motives on integrative negotiation: A meta-analytic review and test of two theories. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(5), 889–905.

   Us against the problem ›

5. Agree on a next step, or agree to differ

   End with one small, specific thing, or with knowing where you each stand. If part of it was yours, say so.

   TrySo we check with each other before saying yes. Does that work for you?

   How to apologize, with examples ›

A first message sets the tone for the rest. Here’s the same point, quills up and quills down.

When something’s wrong, some people say it right away, some go quiet, and some look for the middle. You may have seen five usual names: avoiding, accommodating, compromising, collaborating and competing. No style is the best one. Each works sometimes and trips sometimes.